GETTING SOMATIC ABOUT SEX
Dear Dr. Jenni,
When my wife and I have sex and she’s about to orgasm, she tells me to stop. She claims she’s too sensitive down there. How do I make her get past this and orgasm? I try and try and can’t seem to get anywhere.
—Stuck at Second
Dear Stuck,
A woman’s orgasm is hers to own.
Your wife must give herself permission to feel these peaks of pleasure.
Whether alone or with a partner, orgasm is about surrendering — about letting go and allowing an orgasm to naturally emerge.
Surrender requires trust, in oneself, and in the relationship. If there is little to no emotional safety, then it can be hard to surrender physiologically.
So while you can’t “make”
your wife have an orgasm, you can certainly be her co-pilot.
Your first goal is to help her trust the experience.
Initiate a conversation around what she needs to feel relaxed, safe and comfortable.
Do sensual dates where you engage in pleasurable activities without the goal of orgasm. During dates, play with changes in rhythm, tempo and pressure. She may need you to slow down and touch her clitoris indirectly. She may need her cheek caressed and to hear you say, “love you.” She may need you to speed up and seize her in a carnal fury of passion.
I also suggest taking intercourse off the table during your first few dates. This allows you to focus on the world of touch. Take turns exploring new erogenous zones, all the while communicating what feels good. If talking is tough, try using simple code words like: cold, warm, hot.
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Once you both feel more comfortable with these exercises, try out a few sessions of mutual masturbation. Again, this can be erotic while also allowing you both to have a learning session to determine what feels good and how different body parts need to be touched at different points in the arousal process.
Dear Dr. Jenni,
I come too fast. Like within 30 seconds of penetrating my girlfriend. I’ve had this problem for almost four years. It’s getting so bad I don’t want to have sex anymore. How can I last longer in bed?
—Panicked About Penetration
Dear Panicked,
Your concern is quite common. I’m curious about your masturbation habits? Often, men get absorbed in a fantasy trance and quickly pleasure themselves. I suggest re-training your penile response when alone and connecting into your arousal spectrum. For instance, make number one symbolize a flaccid penis with no arousal, 10 symbolizing orgasm and ejaculation, and nine symbolizing ejaculatory inevitability. The challenge is to thoroughly feel the sensations of two through eight. When masturbating, take yourself to a six or seven, then back down to four. Then return to seven or eight, then back to five. Then return to eight and allow yourself to orgasm and ejaculate. The trick here is to touch (literally) into four through seven. So often, these numbers get passed by rather quickly, and yet these are the “stamina numbers.”
Once you have mastered control by yourself, it’s time to try the numbers with your girlfriend. Again, try to refrain from falling into a trance where four through eight happen so suddenly that before you blink, you’ve hit ejaculatory inevitability. When starting with penetration, go slow, and ask your girlfriend to be the “quiet vagina,” where she stays very still and silent. This helps you focus on your task. After a while, you can progress to a place where she is more active and engaged.
In the end, if you ejaculate too quickly, try not to get anxious. You have a tongue, fingers and toys of all sorts to help prolong her pleasure! Remember, it’s about the journey of connection and pleasure. If one person hits orgasm before the other, it doesn’t mean sex is over.
Read more QnA at The Boulder Weekly, Sophisticated SEX column: http://www.boulderweekly.com/articles.sec-123-1-sophisticated-sex.htm
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