Sexual Health for the New Year
Dear Dr. Jenni,
I’m curious how you define a sexually healthy couple. My husband and I have sex once a week. We do a variety of positions and have adequate foreplay. I feel leagues ahead of some of my girlfriends who claim they rarely have sex, or rarely want it. If I get honest with myself, sex can sometimes be a little stagnant, but for the most part, I enjoy it. Does sexual health mean we all must secretly resort to acceptable, average sex?
—Looking For A Little More
Dear LFALM,
Way to be honest! Most couples resort to acceptable, average sex because the alternative means that they must talk about how to make it better. And for many, that conversation can be petrifying.
But determining what qualifies as sexually healthy is an outstanding start. We have measures of health for fitness, like ideal weight ranges and body fat percentages. We have measures of health for illness, like ideal cholesterol and blood sugar levels. We even have measures of health for our psyche, like perception of happiness and ability to assuage anxiety. But when it comes to sex, health may not seem as straightforward.
Ask yourself this: If a miracle happened overnight and your sex life suddenly became a 10-plus (on a scale of 1-10), what would sex look like? Would you have more interest in having sex? Would you be seduced in a different manner? Who would initiate, and how? Would you have your partner touch and caress you differently? Would you have more powerful orgasms, in other body parts, over and over? Would there be fewer ghosts in the bedroom? Would there be more communication in the bedroom? More affection? More spiritual intimacy? More emotional bonding?
When you and your partner can ask, and answer, these questions, you are on your way! Bolstering your sexual health as an individual means feeling good about yourself as a sexual being. Strengthening sexual health as a couple requires you both to communicate your needs, wants and desires, as well as boundaries, fears and vulnerabilities.
|
continued...
Dear Dr. Jenni,
I’m always the one initiating sex with my wife, and it’s getting old being told no, since she never wants to do it as often as I do. I’ve tried different approaches, but what advice would you give to get her in the mood more often? Or should I just play it cool and wait for her to initiate?
—Frustrated Fellow
Dear FF,
Your question is a common one that all long-term relationships experience.
Your level of sexual desire is like your fingerprint, unique to you. And since we all have distinctive fingerprints, we all have different levels of desire. The issue becomes more noticeable and frustrating when
those levels of desire are vastly different.
First of all,=20
don’t just play it cool and wait for her to initiate. Did you know that she ran out of hair conditioner the other day? What if she never put it on the grocery list and just hoped you would notice that the bottle in the shower was empty and needed to be replaced next time you went shopping? The odds of this are low. She needs to tell you that hair conditioner is important to her for maintaining healthy hair. Likewise, you need to tell her that sex is important to you — that it’s your way of feeling loved, connected and close to her. Tell her you understand that you have differences in desire, but that you feel hurt when you are
constantly rejected. Ask if there is something you can do to better warm her up or romance her.
Once you have broached the subject openly, owning how you feel without attacking her, then gear up to win her heart. Once you have her heart, the body often follows. The secret is to keep the commitment and the courtship! How did you seduce her back in the early days? Did you take her on dates? Did you bring her flowers? Did you tell her how stunning and sexy she looks when she steps out of the shower? Did you carve out an afternoon to go hiking with just you and her?
Basically, you want to ensure that you are romancing her on a regular basis. Then, make sure you delineate time for your relationship with weekly intimacy dates. You can suggest activities that you enjoy, to include sexual endeavors, and ask her to throw out ideas as well. Whether you go out to happy hour, dance your feet off in Denver, or stay home and have champagne, make sure you keep intimacy dates part of your marriage for the rest of your life. And again, remind her of the importance of sex for feeling intimate and close to her, but also honor where she is as well.
Read more at: http://www.boulderweekly.com/articles.sec-123-1-sophisticated-sex.htm
|
