SALVAGING SEX AFTER WAR
Dear Dr. Jenni,
My husband is a war veteran. He is a different man now since returning from Iraq. I believe he experienced some very traumatizing events, as he is closed off and very depressed. I think he has a brain injury too. We haven’t had sex since he returned eight months ago. He has zero interest, and when I initiate, he seems to be somewhere else as I touch him. How can we reclaim the intimacy we once had?
—Lost in the Trenches
Dear Lost,
It sounds like you both need to start having some honest heart-to-hearts to uncover what is happening for your husband. He may be experiencing depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and you mention that he might also have a brain injury. Keep in mind that veterans typically struggle to convey the severity and complexity of their war experiences to non-veterans, which can result in feelings of isolation and silence.
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Because of this, sex may be the last thing he wants when feeling stuck in his darkness. If he has a brain injury as well, this can also diminish sexual desire, and increase feelings of depression and/or inadequacy as a sexual person. Depression meds can alleviate the darkness, but some have side effects such as lowered sex drive and erectile issues that only exacerbate problems in sexual intimacy.
Unfortunately, many in the military return from overseas with little information about how to re-enter intimate relationships. The psychological impact of losing close friends in combat can make veterans hesitant or unable to connect to their loved ones because of fear that other important people may be lost as well. This may be causing his emotional and sexual cut-off.
Ultimately, increased communication is required to understand how to help your husband regain his sense of self, individually and as an intimate partner. Don’t be shy to make use of the medical system if you can. A doctor can help decipher if he has a brain injury, which may alter his treatment dramatically, as well as give you more answers to the changes in personality you seem to be facing. A counselor can help both of you facilitate a discussion around his experiences and potential injuries.
Consider this time an opportunity to learn about each other all over again. Eventually you can decide to go on dates, ask new questions and court one another. The more you learn, the more you are able to move forward and grow together.
Read more QnA at The Boulder Weekly, Sophisticated SEX column: http://www.boulderweekly.com/articles.sec-123-1-sophisticated-sex.html
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